COUSIN BRUCE

My cousin’s been staying with me for a week

It’s driving me mad, I must say

The things that he does make me holler and shriek

I hope that the bugger won’t stay

‘Cause when he’s been out with his mates for a drink

He lets himself down, a lot more than you’d think

Like combing his pubic lice into the sink

And forgetting to rinse them away

Oh cousin Bruce, why the hell did you come?

Go back to Oz; you’re a pain in the bum

He’s loud and he’s crass and incredibly rude

Whenever my friends come to call

He eats like a pig, with his mouth full of food

He’s grateful for nothing at all

It seems he’s addicted to prawn vindaloo

It’s fatal to follow him into the loo

But hey, he’s my cousin, so what can I do?

I’m banging my head on the wall

Oh cousin Bruce, why the hell did you come?

Go back to Oz; you’re a pain in the bum

And boy, is he boring! He never shuts up

He farts and he’s drunk all my tea

His favourite film is Two Girls and One Cup

That’s something you don’t want to see

I’ve had it to here, I can’t take any more

I wish I could kick his arse out of the door

And tell him “Get lost or I’m calling the law

Go home and forget about me”

Oh cousin Bruce, why the hell did you come?

Go back to Oz; you’re a pain in the bum