Thursday 16 May 2013


Bollocking Time
(Tune: Mull of Kintyre)

Bollocking time, I’m pissed rolling in from
The pub at half nine
My dinner’s gone cold and it’s
Bollocking time

Frost in my face as I walk through the door
What can I say that you’ve not heard before?
Surely you know that it isn’t a crime
I’ve had one little drink and it’s bollocking time

Give me a moment and let me explain
Just as I passed there it started to rain
You’re not convinced and it looks as if I’m
In the doghouse again and it’s bollocking time

Don’t waste my food, that’s a terrible sin
Scraping my dinner right into the bin
Kindly stop shouting, the kids will think I’m
Not the boss around here if it’s bollocking time

You’ve had your say and I wish you’d desist
Taking advantage of me when I’m pissed
Show some respect for a man in his prime
‘Cause it just isn’t fair that it’s bollocking time

I’ve said I’m sorry, that’s all I can do
Why can’t you see it from my point of view
Have some tequila, or vodka and lime
And you’ll see there’s no reason for bollocking time

Sunday 12 May 2013


COUSIN BRUCE

My cousin’s been staying with me for a week
It’s driving me mad, I must say
The things that he does make me holler and shriek
I hope that the bugger won’t stay
‘Cause when he’s been out with his mates for a drink
He lets himself down, a lot more than you’d think
Like combing his pubic lice into the sink
And forgetting to rinse them away

Oh cousin Bruce, why the hell did you come?
Go back to Oz; you’re a pain in the bum

He’s loud and he’s crass and incredibly rude
Whenever my friends come to call
He eats like a pig, with his mouth full of food
He’s grateful for nothing at all
It seems he’s addicted to prawn vindaloo
It’s fatal to follow him into the loo
But hey, he’s my cousin, so what can I do?
I’m banging my head on the wall

Oh cousin Bruce, why the hell did you come?
Go back to Oz; you’re a pain in the bum

And boy, is he boring! He never shuts up
He farts and he’s drunk all my tea
His favourite film is Two Girls and One Cup
That’s something you don’t want to see
I’ve had it to here, I can’t take any more
I wish I could kick his arse out of the door
And tell him “Get lost or I’m calling the law
Go home and forget about me”

Oh cousin Bruce, why the hell did you come?
Go back to Oz; you’re a pain in the bum



The Dogging Song

I could write some silly rhyme
As a way to pass the time
But it wouldn’t help me chase away the blues
I don’t drink and I don’t smoke
And I don’t understand Sudoku
And I’m running out of themes for self-abuse

So on Friday night I’ll end my week of slogging
With a pleasant way of pushing back the boundaries of shame
‘Cause I do enjoy a little bit of dogging
It’s a highly social network where nobody knows your name

On a dark and steamy night
It’s a most inspiring sight
Watching bodies slowly writhing on the ground
And the dropping of the drawers
Leads to thunderous applause
With the noise of one hand clapping all around

Yes, I do enjoy a little bit of dogging
Down a country lane at midnight, in a car or on a porch
As I give myself a very gentle flogging
With my right hand on the business and the other on the torch

If you have some time to kill
It’s a special kind of thrill
Seeing other people get their ends away
And you never notice faces
‘Cause you’re looking other places
So you wouldn’t recognise them in the day

Now please do believe me when I tell you that it
Is a harmless entertainment with no reason for regrets
But I hope my girlfriend doesn’t catch me at it
‘Cause she thinks I’ve only gone to buy some late-night cigarettes

Yes, I do enjoy a little bit of dogging
Down a country lane at midnight, in a car or on a porch
As I give myself a very gentle flogging
With my right hand on the business and the other on the torch