Friday, 9 April 2010


You're starting to annoy me
So I'd better make it clear
That crossing me's an absolutely
Terrible idea

Perhaps I should be distant
And impassive as Stone Henge
But no, I have my mind fixed
On a horrible revenge

I'll snigger through your letterbox
And ostracise your cat
And then harangue your topiary
I'm good at doing that

I'll tell the local paper
That I've never heard of you
When people ask me how you are
I'll say, "I'm sorry... who?"

I'll sneeze into your litter bins
And gesture at your lawn
You creep, I'll make you sorry
You were ever even born

I'll buy your favourite whisky
Then I'll tip it down the drain
And serve you right for daring
To suggest that I'm insane.

Will Hames
April 2010

Thursday, 1 April 2010

Medical Advice

I've been to see the doctor
And he's told me what to do...
Take the tablets, use the cream
And keep away from you.

Will Hames
April 2010