Sunday, 1 December 2013


Once, burdened by my mental situation
And feeling on the brink of going barmy
I thought I’d try my hand at meditation
As advertised by Guru Veeraswami

And so I went to see him, as directed
I found him on a blanket, on the floor
The man was everything that I’d expected
A loincloth and a smile were all he wore

He sat serenely, picking his verrucas
He spoke to me, his body gently swaying
And noisily recycling his mucus
As if to emphasise what he was saying

He said to me, “Your psyche is chaotic
With worries and irrational obsessions
You really need to be far less neurotic
And free from your attachment to possessions”

He told me he’d be glad to lead me into
A cure for all the follies of my youth
He asked me for my cash card and my PIN too
To prove I was a seeker after truth

He told me “Just relax and don’t be frightened
Your mind will wander every now and then
But pretty soon, you’ll notice you’re enlightened
And life will never be the same again.”

“Ignore your thoughts, wherever they are from, son
Imagine someone else is going through it
Breathe slowly in and out, while chanting “Om”, son
I’ll pop out for a bit and leave you to it”

Well, hours later, I was getting worried
My body stiff, in places rather sore
When suddenly, with footsteps quick and hurried
A man I didn’t know came through the door

He saw me there and seemed to be quite flustered
He stood as if uncertain what to do
And then he walked across to me and blustered
“I’m Guru Veeraswami. Who are you?”

My bank account’s been mercilessly plundered
And though I’m not the cleverest of men
I’ve learned a lot, and just in case you wondered

I’m never gonna fall for that again.