Steve

I'll tell you a story you might not believe
But you may find it good for a laugh
The terrible tale of a fellow called Steve
Who was known as Don Juan-and-a-half

Now Steve, who arrived in the middle of winter
Was born in the house next to mine
I'd watched him grow up from a baby and into
A man, and I hated the swine

He looked at the world like he owned the damn' place
He swaggered where other men walked
He lived with a permanent smirk on his face
And he wobbled his head when he talked

He left only sadness wherever he'd been
He never took any precautions
He was vicious and greedy, obtuse and obscene
And as tight as a duck's nether portions

Well, if it's a fact that you are what you eat
It's no wonder he wasn't so pleasant
He lived on a diet of figs and raw meat
And Viagra and anti-depressant

But long was the list of the ladies he'd kissed
And the girlies who never forgot him
He said, "I'm going out with your sister tonight!"
I said, "Don't!" but he did, so I shot him

Will Hames, November 2008