The Song of Sally Silverstein

To say that Sally Silverstein was lacking in attraction
Severely underestimates the negative reaction
Of men who looked her way and clearly wished that they had not
A second glance was something Sorry Sally never got

But as she sat and meditated on her situation
The answer to her problem came, a blinding revelation
If Sally wanted loving, she was absolutely sure
She’d have to find a man who’d never seen a girl before

Now, fortunately, Sally knew exactly where to look
She even knew his name, because she’d seen him in a book
She’d stake her future happiness upon this firm conviction:
There really was a Tarzan, but his Jane was purely fiction

She took out all her money and she booked herself a plane
She bought a fur bikini, and a mac in case of rain
She fixed her hair with Superhold and superglued her denture
Then off she went to Africa, to find her great adventure

The road out from the airport was a mass of bikes and carts
The air as hot and sticky as a sauna full of farts
Then, climbing from a taxi cab whose doors were off their hinges
She found herself abandoned on the jungle’s outer fringes

To help her find a man who had no reason to expect her
She’d thoughtfully invested in a pheromone detector
So, twiddling the knobs and dials, and choking back her dread
She set it to “testosterone” and followed where it led

The noises from the undergrowth, they shook her to the core
A howl, a growl, a gibber and occasionally a roar
She feared they might attack her soon, but nothing ever did
For every creature, spotting Sally, ran away and hid

Then, deep inside the jungle, where the undergrowth grew thicker
She heard a certain sound that made her virgin heart beat quicker
She knew that it was Tarzan, you could hear the man for miles
Roaring through the treetops, like an elephant with piles

He landed right in front of her, and as their gazes locked
They both knew this was Destiny, and neither one was shocked
For Tarzan was a super hunk, a proper ladykiller
And Sally wasn’t bad at all, compared to a gorilla

He took her to his treehouse, where she quickly settled in
They had no need for language, just a gesture and a grin
Though Tarzan was quite messy, she was tidy for them both
He loved her beetleburgers and her fricassee of sloth

He’d come on home to Sally as the darkness fell about
And even though he’d always be completely tuckered out
From thwarting evil men with guns and swinging from lianas
She’d fiddle with his loincloth, while he dreamed about bananas

So that’s how Sally found her fate, her mate, her life’s direction
Although she knew that she was not alone in his affection
His second-favourite female had a red and blue behind
But that’s the sort of competition Sally didn’t mind

Will Hames, November 2008