ENLIGHTENMENT

Once, burdened by my mental situation

And feeling on the brink of going barmy

I thought I’d try my hand at meditation

As advertised by Guru Veeraswami

And so I went to see him, as directed

I found him on a blanket, on the floor

The man was everything that I’d expected

A loincloth and a smile were all he wore

He sat serenely, picking his verrucas

He spoke to me, his body gently swaying

And noisily recycling his mucus

As if to emphasise what he was saying

He said to me, “Your psyche is chaotic

With worries and irrational obsessions

You really need to be far less neurotic

And free from your attachment to possessions”

He told me he’d be glad to lead me into

A cure for all the follies of my youth

He asked me for my cash card and my PIN too

To prove I was a seeker after truth

He told me “Just relax and don’t be frightened

Your mind will wander every now and then

But pretty soon, you’ll notice you’re enlightened

And life will never be the same again.”

“Ignore your thoughts, wherever they are from, son

Imagine someone else is going through it

Breathe slowly in and out, while chanting “Om”, son

I’ll pop out for a bit and leave you to it”

Well, hours later, I was getting worried

My body stiff, in places rather sore

When suddenly, with footsteps quick and hurried

A man I didn’t know came through the door

He saw me there and seemed to be quite flustered

He stood as if uncertain what to do

And then he walked across to me and blustered

“I’m Guru Veeraswami. Who are you?”

My bank account’s been mercilessly plundered

And though I’m not the cleverest of men

I’ve learned a lot, and just in case you wondered

I’m never gonna fall for that again.