Seventy Thousand Flies

(a thoroughly disgusting song, to the tune of "Teddy Bears' Picnic")

I caught the clap off a toilet flap
It's eating my nose away
Upon my jaw is a big red sore
It's running on time today
And ev'ry kind of dreaded disease
From brewer's droop to phlegm on the knees
Is having quite a carnival in my bo...dy

Microbes and bacteria
Are playing ring-a-ring-a-roses in my interior
Blackheads wink from ev'ry pore
That isn't covered by two scabs or more
Tapeworms writhing merrily
And on my tongue a kind of fungus of murky grey
A swollen head of yellow and red is erupting on my bum
And I don't feel very well today

If you go down to the surgery
You're in for a big surprise
For in the corner is little me
And seventy thousand flies
And ev'ry kind of dreaded disease
From brewer's droop to phlegm on the knees
Is having quite a carnival in my bo...dy

Chavs on a Bus

(based on an actual overheard conversation)

So she was like "Hey, haven't seen you in ages!"
And I was like "No, how've you been?"
And she was like "Yeah, up and down, mustn't grumble"
And I was like "Know what you mean"

So Kelly comes up and she sees us both talking
Me and this obvious wino
And after we're finished, she's like "Who was that then?"
And I'm like "I'm buggered if I know"

So she was like "Come on, you must know the woman
The way you was grilling each other!"
And I was like "Honest, the face rang a bell
But I can't quite... oh shit, she's my mother!"

Well, Kelly's like "Blimey, you're losing your marbles
You don't even know your own Mum?"
And I was like "Well, the moustache put me off
And the way she kept touching my bum!"

So Kelly, well Kelly, you know what she's like
She goes "You're a case and a half...
A Dad who's a drag queen, a Mum who's a dyke...
You've gotta be havin' a laugh!"

I'm like "Are you dissin' my fam'ly, you cow?
'Cos if so, you'd better start prayin'"
So she's like "No, no! I'm just wondering how
You grew up so well, that's all I'm sayin'!"

That's Kelly all over, talk first and think later
She's always been funny that way
And I was like "Kelly, your bloody great gob's
Gonna get you in trouble one day!"

So anyway, this is my stop. Nice to see you
Say Hi if you bump into Ben
I'm off down the council to get a new key
And my bog's overflowin' again

Will Hames
July 2010

Mysteries

I like a bit of mystery, so please don't try to spoil it
'Cos there's magic in what's hard to understand
Like, there's a funny stain down in the bottom of my toilet
And it looks just like the face of Russell Brand
At least, it looks like somebody whose face is quite familiar
And how it got there's really quite a puzzle
Of course, it could be Jesus, 'cos they do look rather similar
But seeing where it is, I'd plump for Russell

Abundant are my sources of confused misinformation
Although I've been assured that I'm not dense
And many the phenomena defying explanation
And lots of things just don't make any sense
There's errors in the world today that ought to be corrected
The scale of them is almost past believing
John Lennon and John Kennedy have still not resurrected
And John McCririck's still alive and breathing

Thank God we don't know everything, there's more to be uncovered
So we really have no cause for foolish pride
Let's raise a glass to Nessie, may she never be discovered
May she teach her little Nesslets how to hide
There's circles in the crops, I hear, and God knows how they got there
There's Bigfoot, and the UFOs are soaring
And sometimes you can see things that are definitely not there
Without them, wouldn't life be bloody boring?

Elf N Safety

When I was a kid, shortly after the war
I learned how to fend for myself
Well, so did we all. Ah, but that was before
Some fool dreamed up Safety and Elf
The games that we'd play in each alley and road
Drive modern-day bureaucrats bonkers
You might get a fright if your marbles explode
Or choke if you swallow your conkers

We'd play on the bombsites all over the town
Collecting old bottles and tins
And somehow we knew not to jump up and down
On large metal objects with fins
We took awful chances as part of the game
Our go-karts would wobble and skid
Bad steering, no brakes, just four wheels on a frame
But we never lost one single kid

Now you can't eat a peanut without being warned
That it might contain traces of nut
And all of the dangers we merrily scorned
Have become a huge pain in the butt
You can legally buy a cook's knife at the store
But it's jail if you carry it home
The brain of officialdom seems barely more
Than an average-bright garden gnome

They tell you, "Wear rubber before getting frisky
And grease yourself up for the sun"
They've banned the cheese rolling, they say it's too risky
Well, isn't that part of the fun?
They've no sense of humour, you can't make them see
So don't even bother to try
And don't cock a snook at the powers that be...
You might poke yourself in the eye.

Will Hames
June 2010

SNIGGER

You're starting to annoy me
So I'd better make it clear
That crossing me's an absolutely
Terrible idea

Perhaps I should be distant
And impassive as Stone Henge
But no, I have my mind fixed
On a horrible revenge

I'll snigger through your letterbox
And ostracise your cat
And then harangue your topiary
I'm good at doing that

I'll tell the local paper
That I've never heard of you
When people ask me how you are
I'll say, "I'm sorry... who?"

I'll sneeze into your litter bins
And gesture at your lawn
You creep, I'll make you sorry
You were ever even born

I'll buy your favourite whisky
Then I'll tip it down the drain
And serve you right for daring
To suggest that I'm insane.

Will Hames
April 2010

Medical Advice

I've been to see the doctor
And he's told me what to do...
Take the tablets, use the cream
And keep away from you.

Will Hames
April 2010

The Man upon the Wire

The kids are so excited that they're jumping up and down
They're watching through the window as the circus comes to town
There's painted rides and super slides and animals galore
I hope it doesn't happen like it happened once before

Our Jimmy went to see it all a year or two ago
It dazzled him so much, he went to each and every show
He fell in love with "Esmeralda, Prophetess of Fire"
So Jimmy went away to be the Man upon the Wire

Our Jimmy joined the circus in the winking of an eye
He packed a little suitcase and he kissed us all goodbye
He said he had to do it, and we really mustn't grieve
Then off he went to frolic in the land of make-believe

He sent us all a card or letter every now and then
So no one ever doubted we'd be seeing him again
The little ones are proud of him, they're Jimmy's greatest fans
We're looking out for Jimmy now, among the caravans

Well...
It isn't quite as glamorous as how it ought to be
He's mucking out the elephants and brewing up the tea
But he's never looked so happy and he never seems to tire
I'm glad he didn't get to be the Man upon the Wire.

Will Hames
March 2010

Hell's Kitchen

From Frinton-on-Sea to the Bay of Bengal
There's places to terrify, shock and appall
But my mother's kitchen's the worst place of all
It frightens the strongest of men
For over the doorway, these words you can trace:
"Abandon hope, all ye who enter this place
And don't put the food anywhere near your face
If you want to see daylight again!"

A friend from my youth (may his stature increase)
Who married a girl from the local police
Was caught in the act of consuming a piece of
My mother's bread pudding he'd found.
My father went pale, he said: "Tony, you prat!
For God's sake sit down if you want to eat that
Or your rectum will plummet in nought seconds flat
And you'll drag it along on the ground!"

I've travelled the world, my research is complete
And I've rarely found anything I couldn't eat
From witchety grubs to yak's testicle meat
And cannabis cooked in a cake
But, seeking out fresh epicurean thrills
I sometimes go terribly green round the gills
And these little words make me head for the hills:
"It's just like your Mum used to make!"

Will Hames
March 2010

Small Hairy Person

"You're a small, hairy person," said Mrs MacNee
"And I don't understand why you're bothering me
And I don't have the time to work out what you said
For I ought to be fixing the supper instead
Of just standing here wondering what I should do
With a troublesome, small, hairy person like you

"I was perfectly happy and doing quite well
'Til you knocked on my knocker and rang on my bell
Now I'm all of a dither, my mind's in a mess
And The Simpsons is on in five minutes or less
And the last thing I need is a bothersome caller...
F*** off, little man, and come back when you're taller!"

Will Hames
February 2010