To All Critics Everywhere

Although you are entitled to your special point of view
I think you're a hermaphrodite...
You know what you can do!

Will Hames
May 2009

Smelly Nelly (a new rotten old Cockney song)

Perhaps it doesn’t bother you, although it really should
There’s lots of words for what you do, and none of them are good
Now black’s a groovy colour and it doesn’t show the dirt
But even so I think you ought to change that stinky shirt

Oh, Smelly Nellie, I have tried to put this deli – cately
But it’s pretty clear the message isn’t getting through
Oh, Smelly Nellie, how I wish you were on telly, ‘cos
You turn me off, and I would like to do the same to you

Well, maybe you could take a bath or even have a shower
Your personal aroma’s getting riper by the hour
There’s stuff you buy in chemists that’ll make it go away
They sell it as a roll-on or a splash-on or a spray

Oh, Smelly Nellie, I have tried to put this deli – cately
But it’s pretty clear the message isn’t getting through
Oh, Smelly Nellie, how I wish you were on telly, ‘cos
You turn me off, and I would like to do the same to you

I know that you get dizzy when you’re standing near a sink
But water’s very useful, and it isn’t just a drink
Don’t worry if you wash your hair, it isn’t gonna frizz
The flies are buzzing overhead, now why d’you think that is?

Oh, Smelly Nellie, I have tried to put this deli – cately
But it’s pretty clear the message isn’t getting through
Oh, Smelly Nellie, how I wish you were on telly, ‘cos
You turn me off, and I would like to do the same to you

Will Hames
May 2009