CHAUVINIST LOVE SONG

You’re perfect as you are today
I wouldn’t change a single thing
Or have you any other way
So here is what I’m promising:

Provided you accept my friends
And water my begonias
And work all hours the good Lord sends
To make my life harmonious

And always laugh at all my jokes
Yes, even those you’ve heard before
And never look at other blokes
And give me children, three or four

Provided you don’t deviate
From views I hold traditionally
And never age or put on weight
I’ll love you unconditionally

Will Hames
January 2009

Hypochondriac

You've been at death's door and you nearly went through?
You woke in the mortuary, naked and blue?
You'll always find somebody worse off than you...
My cousin, young Freddie Lafitte
Don't talk of your ailments in front of this lad
No matter what illnesses you've ever had
Our Freddie's been through it, but three times as bad
It's a wonder he stays so up-beat

If your liver's a mess and your pulse so unsteady
That you should be pushing up daisies already
You know you can always rely on our Freddie
To go just that little bit better
Trepanned in an accident somewhere in Spain
Transported to hospital, screaming with pain
His wide-open cranium letting in rain
On the back of a knackered Lambretta

He told us the surgeons were taking his throat away
Mother believed him and gave his old coat away
You've had a bypass? This fool had a motorway
Boy, did he give us a fright!
They know him in resuss so well, it's a farce
He's such an incredible pain in the arse
They made him a Regular Visitor's Pass
To the tunnel of dazzling light

Much as we pity his sad situation
We're tired of him causing us such consternation
I think he's addicted to defibrilation
And that's how he gets all his kicks
But when it's all over, I'm sure that he'll find
That Death is fed up with him changing his mind
He'll take him half way and then leave him behind
On the banks of the old River Styx

Will Hames
January 2009