Saturday, 11 October 2008


Zibdab the Grook was an odd little fellow
His hair was bright orange, his ears were both yellow
His nose was as red as a box for the mail
His eyes were on stalks, like the eyes of a snail

His smile was the strangest thing you ever saw
Most people have two lips, but Zibdab had four!
His body was round, and his arms were so long
That his hands touched the ground as he ambled along

On feet like an elephant’s, chunky and flat
He couldn’t wear shoes, but he did wear a hat
A big one, so big he could pull it right down
To cover his face when he went into town

So there we have Zibdab, and as you’ll agree
He wasn’t the prettiest sight you could see
But animals loved him, each dog and each cat
Would beg to be stroked by this Grook in a hat

They’d wag and they’d purr and not leave him alone
He’d give them a cuddle, some fish or a bone
He’d tell them how loved and how lovely they were
And talk of his dreams as he ruffled their fur

But people… oh, people! They seemed to know less
Than the animals Zibdab would comfort and bless
They jeered at him, sneered at him, pointed and mocked
Still, Zibdab kept smiling. He couldn’t be shocked.

He could have been angry, this Grook in a hat
He could have just sulked, but he didn’t do that
He’d look in the mirror and laugh, and agree
That he wasn’t the prettiest sight you could see

One cold winter’s night, when the world was asleep
The snow fell and fell, and grew ever so deep
And early next morning, by Zibdab’s front door
Stood thirty five children… it could have been more

Determined to wait for as long as it took
They’d come to throw snowballs at Zibdab the Grook
They called through his letterbox, “Zibdab, come on!”
There was no reply. It appeared he was gone.

Then one of the children cried, “Look what I’ve found!”
And pointed excitedly down at the ground
For there, in the snow, were the chunky and flat
Unmistakeable tracks of a Grook in a hat

They followed the footprints and chanted with glee
‘Til they came to the cornfield of Farmer McFee
Where, off in a corner, beside a small brook
Building a snowman, stood Zibdab the Grook

Thirty five children… it may have been more…
Chanting much louder than ever before
Ran towards Zibdab, their hands full of snow
They gathered around him and let it all go

He laughed as a snowball knocked off his big hat
Smiled as six children then trampled it flat
Giggled as snow landed, “Splunk!” in his hair
Then everything stopped as a noise filled the air

Up in the sky, coming down to the ground
Was a huge flying saucer, all shiny and round
With purple lamps flashing a twinkly glow
It landed beside them, just touching the snow

Then out stepped a robot with lights in his head
He looked at the children and solemnly said
“I’ve come to give someone a lovely surprise,
A ride in our space ship, way up to the skies.

“The treat of a lifetime, it’s bound to be fun
But, sorry to say, we can only take one.
I know it’s all snowy, but take off your shoes
And I’ll try to work out which one I should choose

“Sit down, all the children who shout and complain
Who laugh to see others in trouble or pain.
Sit down, all the children who try to be boss
And think it’s okay to be grumpy and cross.”

The children all sniggered and shuffled with shame
‘Til one squatted down, and two more did the same
Then so many sat that the ground fairly shook
And the only one standing was Zibdab the Grook

He walked to the space ship, and what was inside?
A hundred big Grooks, with their arms open wide
They cuddled him close as their ship left the ground
Where thirty five children sat huddled around

The Grooks all discussed it and had to agree
Zibdab was the prettiest sight you could see
They flew over London
Then Paris
Then Rome
Then shot into space
Taking Zibdab

© Will Hames 2008

Monday, 6 October 2008

Being Nice

I was listening to Tom Lehrer's wonderfully acid song, "National Brotherhood Week" and the thought occurred to me: what if we did away with special occasions for being nice to each other, such as Christmas and birthdays, and just acted decently the whole year round? Then I thought, being human we'd need some kind of outlet for all the negative stuff, so I'd propose that we have one day a year when we're all free to be as vile and obnoxious as we can to each other. And from that came the following poem.

It's National Fear 'n' Loathing Day next Wednesday
A day I always love to celebrate
From Skid Row to the Palace, we're united in our malice
As disaffection blossoms into hate

It's National Fear 'n' Loathing Day next Wednesday
The day to tell you boss that he's a swine
When "UP YOURS!" cards are sent, each one sincerely meant
The antidote to ev'ry Valentine

The time for letting rip
At the folk who get your pip
Is concentrated on this special day
So rally to the cause
You kiss mine and I'll kick yours
I never really liked you anyway

It's National Fear 'n' Loathing Day next Wednesday
But if you can't find anyone to shock
An acceptable corrective for your bottled-up invective
Is to verbally abuse the speaking clock

It's National Fear 'n' Loathing Day next Wednesday
So drain your poisoned chalice to the dregs
Pour scorn on all your foes, in vitriolic prose
All neatly iced on stale old Easter eggs

It's bound to be intense
No sitting on the fence
And soon we'll have the whole world joining in
But if you disagree
It's all the same to me
Just play along or sit on that* and spin!
(*gesture required)

It's National Fear 'n' Loathing Day next Wednesday
When ev'rybody gets his just desserts
Let's revel in revealing all the rancour that we're feeling
And tell the truth, especially if it hurts

It's National Fear 'n' Loathing Day next Wednesday
This honesty could well prove quite a strain
So our relief will be profound
When next Thursday rolls around
And we can all be hypocrites again!

Will Hames


Tomorrow, I'll be Superman
Tomorrow, I'll be sound
Oh yes I will, and leap tall buildings in a single bound

Tomorrow I'll be dynamite
I'll take your breath away
And then I bet you'll soon forget
I've done zip-all, today

Will Hames

Return to Ignorance

Oh, take me back to ignorance, the days when all was clear
When trust was easy, hope was bright, and love was ever near
When life was so forgiving of an innocent mistake
And truth was never hobbled for expediency’s sake

Oh, let me close my eyes again, pretend I’d never seen
The naked pain the world conceals from boys of seventeen
The petty, shallow callousness of those who should be bigger
Who seem to think that might is right, and fairness doesn’t figure

Oh, give me back those firm beliefs I used to speak aloud
Before I sought the safety of the acquiescent crowd
Perhaps I’d do as badly if I had my time again
But take me back to ignorance
I knew it all, back then

Will Hames

Saturday, 4 October 2008


Your farewell note, so small and neat, it helps to reassure me
So I wouldn’t dream of throwing it away
And when I pass you in the street, you pointedly ignore me
No, you won’t be coming back to me some day
No tears are in my eyes, and yet there’s part of me that can’t forget
The magic of the times I used to share
With your multiple personae and the things that used to wander through your hair

Romantic dinners out for two, the stars, a violin and you
Were far less hazardous than eating in
I knew that I could always trust you not to rearrange the dust
You generated with your flaky skin
Now looking back, it’s hard to see what loving you was giving me
I wonder how I ever came to care
For your multiple personae and the things that used to wander through your hair

Those heady days of living free from thoughts of domesticity
The very notion put you in a coma
Resisting, as you’d always done, the slightest thing that wasn’t fun
And all attempts to limit your aroma
I’ve thrown your toothbrush in the bin, your flannel quickly followed in
Though both of them were still as good as new
And though I thought I’d never miss you half as much as syphilis
I do

Will Hames

Wednesday, 1 October 2008

Insurance Proposal

Oh marry me, do, you incredible girl
I'll give you the stars from the sky
And be faithful to you 'til the end of the world
(Terms and conditions apply)