The Song of Sally Silverstein

To say that Sally Silverstein was lacking in attraction
Severely underestimates the negative reaction
Of men who looked her way and clearly wished that they had not
A second glance was something Sorry Sally never got

But as she sat and meditated on her situation
The answer to her problem came, a blinding revelation
If Sally wanted loving, she was absolutely sure
She’d have to find a man who’d never seen a girl before

Now, fortunately, Sally knew exactly where to look
She even knew his name, because she’d seen him in a book
She’d stake her future happiness upon this firm conviction:
There really was a Tarzan, but his Jane was purely fiction

She took out all her money and she booked herself a plane
She bought a fur bikini, and a mac in case of rain
She fixed her hair with Superhold and superglued her denture
Then off she went to Africa, to find her great adventure

The road out from the airport was a mass of bikes and carts
The air as hot and sticky as a sauna full of farts
Then, climbing from a taxi cab whose doors were off their hinges
She found herself abandoned on the jungle’s outer fringes

To help her find a man who had no reason to expect her
She’d thoughtfully invested in a pheromone detector
So, twiddling the knobs and dials, and choking back her dread
She set it to “testosterone” and followed where it led

The noises from the undergrowth, they shook her to the core
A howl, a growl, a gibber and occasionally a roar
She feared they might attack her soon, but nothing ever did
For every creature, spotting Sally, ran away and hid

Then, deep inside the jungle, where the undergrowth grew thicker
She heard a certain sound that made her virgin heart beat quicker
She knew that it was Tarzan, you could hear the man for miles
Roaring through the treetops, like an elephant with piles

He landed right in front of her, and as their gazes locked
They both knew this was Destiny, and neither one was shocked
For Tarzan was a super hunk, a proper ladykiller
And Sally wasn’t bad at all, compared to a gorilla

He took her to his treehouse, where she quickly settled in
They had no need for language, just a gesture and a grin
Though Tarzan was quite messy, she was tidy for them both
He loved her beetleburgers and her fricassee of sloth

He’d come on home to Sally as the darkness fell about
And even though he’d always be completely tuckered out
From thwarting evil men with guns and swinging from lianas
She’d fiddle with his loincloth, while he dreamed about bananas

So that’s how Sally found her fate, her mate, her life’s direction
Although she knew that she was not alone in his affection
His second-favourite female had a red and blue behind
But that’s the sort of competition Sally didn’t mind

Will Hames, November 2008

One Phone Call

I never meant to be so late, last evening
I had in mind to be with you by six
But the stupid car broke down, near a bar just out of town
And I had to use their phone to get it fixed

Well, the man at the garage said he was sorry
His one and only tow-truck had a flat
He'd have me on my way, but there'd be a slight delay
And the phone went out of order after that

The batt'ry needed charging on my cellphone
So there's no way I could tell you what was wrong
And I couldn't stray too far from that lousy little bar
Until the freakin' tow-truck came along

I thought of you, alone there in the kitchen
I couldn't bear to let you down again
I was choking back a tear, when the barman sidled near
And offered me a drink to ease the pain

Then some fool put a record on the juke box
That song you had for walking down the aisle
Well, the tears came flooding back, so I had a double Jack
But it took another ten to make me smile

Well, the man came with the tow-truck 'round eleven
And pretty soon he had it all in hand
Seems the widgets were to near to the differential gear...
Nah, you'd have to be a guy to understand

'Course, there's no way I could drive in my condition
So I had a pot of coffee, strong and black
Then I took off like a demon, with the tyres and engine screamin'
'Cos I knew how glad you'd be when I got back

I took a little short-cut through the playground
It's naughty, but it's never known to fail
And I would have been all right, if I hadn't jumped a light
And the coppers hadn't thrown me into jail

They've got me in a cell, down at the station
Together with a fella name of Paul
He's big and blond and German, and he sings like Ethel Merman
So I'm sleeping with my back against the wall

I never meant for all of this to happen
My penitence is pitiful to see
I'll give up drinking beer if you'll get me out of here
And, oh yeah... Happy Anniversary

Will Hames, November 2008

Steve

I'll tell you a story you might not believe
But you may find it good for a laugh
The terrible tale of a fellow called Steve
Who was known as Don Juan-and-a-half

Now Steve, who arrived in the middle of winter
Was born in the house next to mine
I'd watched him grow up from a baby and into
A man, and I hated the swine

He looked at the world like he owned the damn' place
He swaggered where other men walked
He lived with a permanent smirk on his face
And he wobbled his head when he talked

He left only sadness wherever he'd been
He never took any precautions
He was vicious and greedy, obtuse and obscene
And as tight as a duck's nether portions

Well, if it's a fact that you are what you eat
It's no wonder he wasn't so pleasant
He lived on a diet of figs and raw meat
And Viagra and anti-depressant

But long was the list of the ladies he'd kissed
And the girlies who never forgot him
He said, "I'm going out with your sister tonight!"
I said, "Don't!" but he did, so I shot him

Will Hames, November 2008

Dynaman

"There's more to me than meets the eye," I used to say, and yet
Just lately that's not true, and what you see is what you get
It wasn't always like this, but since early yesterday
It seems I'm stuck with acting in a mildly-mannered way

I'd like to be the dashing super-hero that I am
But when I whirl around six times and say the word, "Shazzam!"
Instead of turning into Dynaman The Celebrated
I just feel rather silly and a wee bit nauseated

No longer can I chase the bad guys, giving 'em what-for
My puny alter ego just won't alter any more
I rip my shirt and glasses off, and you can watch me grow in...
..to a skinny little baldie man who can't see where he's goin'

Whatever wrongs there are to right, I simply shake my head
And mutter, "What a pity," as I go on back to bed
Perhaps I've used my powers up by flying round so fast
Or maybe it's my medication kicking in at last.

Will Hames, November 2008

Dolphins

Dolphins make bad poetry
Their verses fall down flat
For dolphins say, "i!i!i!i!"
And nothing rhymes with that

Will Hames, November 2008

The Limpet

The limpet has a good, firm seat
He'd make a super jockey
But having neither hands nor feet
He'd really suck at hockey

Will Hames, November 2008

Remembrance

“For those who gave their lives and fell…”
The words we’ve heard so many times before
We know them all too very well
“For those who gave their lives and fell in war”

But as we stand, heads bowed and hushed
How wrong it is to think they gave it all
Their lives were taken, they were pushed
Before they even had a chance to fall

Will Hames, November 11, 2008

Michelle

My girlfriend, Michelle... "gorgeous" isn't the word!
Well, let me describe her to you
The face of an angel, the voice of a bird
And a nice little, low-cut IQ

She does as she's told and she'll never complain
And she looks really hot in a basque
And as for those questions that drive men insane...
Well, she wouldn't know what to ask

I've trained her quite well. Look around, you can tell
She keeps this place up to the mark
The cooking, the cleaning, that's down to Michelle
Hey, why keep a doggie and bark?

But where is she? She's always been waiting before
Whenever I've come home at night
Ah look, there's a note from her, pinned to the door
Wow, I didn't know she could write!

I haven't had time to decipher it yet
It's in crayon, that's why it's so big
"Goodbey and good ridence, you..." just look at that!
The way she's spelt "showvinist pigg"!

Will Hames, November 2008

Thing

I found a Thing the other day and wondered what to do
Dad said, "That's fine, but it's not mine, 'cos mine's a sparkly blue."
"It's not mine either," said my Mum, "don't bring it in the house...
You see those marks? They tell you it's been nibbled by a mouse."
"It looks like one I used to have," said little Freddie Gibbs
"Oh yes?" we cried, and rolled our eyes. He tells such awful fibs
My teacher wasn't too impressed. She took the Thing away
She locked it in her cupboard and she kept it there, all day.
I'll show it to you, if you like. I'm sure you'll say, "Gee whiz!"
But just remember it's all mine. I wonder what it is?

Ugly Bug

Do you know what's three inches long and hairy
With goggle eyes and funny, goofy teeth?
Its odour is quite extra-ordinary
It's feared from Timbukhtu to Haywards Heath

There may be things more ugly, but I doubt it
Its legs are green, its body's dirty black
And normally I wouldn't talk about it
It's just that there's one crawling up your back

I Could...

I could eat an elephant on toast, for just a snack
I could climb an oak tree with both hands behind my back
I could whistle "Dixie" while I drink a glass of milk
I could comb a coconut until it's smooth as silk

I could spell "chrysanthemum" without a calculator
I could build a house from two short planks and a potater
I could do most anything, and I could show you how
I could tell the truth, but I'm not in the mood right now

Will Hames, November 2008

Gherkin

I'm trying not to think about a gherkin
The reason isn't difficult to see
That naughty little veggie tends to make me rather edgy
With a feeling of inferiority

But trying not to think about... whatever...
Is really very difficult to do
Perhaps determination can suppress imagination
But I can never manage it. Can you?

I think I need a powerful diversion
To shift my thinking to a higher plane
And raise it to a level far above the grimy devil
And never let it sink so low again

I know, I'll think about "The Sound of Music"
The story of the family von Trapp
How Salzburg and its province fell in love with Mary Poppins
Who was climbing every gherkin. What?! Oh, crap!

Will Hames, November 2008

THE WISHING STONE

I wish I had a wishing stone
I’d hold it in my hand
And every time I wanted something
Wonderful and grand
I’d find a quiet corner where,
Unnoticed by the crowd,
I’d rub my little wishing stone
And speak my wish aloud
And then, as if by magic
Something special would occur
There’s no such thing as wishing stones
Oh, how I wish there were

Will Hames, November 2008

CUCUMBER KID

My sister won’t thank me for telling you how
She grew up the way that she did
For reasons I’m not going into right now
We called her the Cucumber Kid
But that was before she took up with young Dan
So dashing and daring and bold
He was all that my sister could want in a man
And he’d do anything he was told

It was easy to tell he was under her spell
He shared all her strange predilections
And, secure in the knowledge that Dan had the courage
Of all of my sister’s convictions
They’d stroll arm-in-arm round museums and zoos
The picture of heady romance
They wore matching sweaters, had matching tattoos
And sometimes they wore the same pants

Then after a while she became rather bored
He wasn’t the Dan that she’d known
She looked up old friends that she’d lately ignored
And left him at home on his own
For he’d lost all his spark and his wild enterprise
He was even more dozy than most men
So you can imagine my sister’s surprise
When she found he’d run off with the postman

He left her a note which she found when she came
Rolling in from a night on the prom
It didn’t say much, but he’d signed his full name
To make sure she knew who it was from
Now, given the chance, at the drop of a hat
She’ll tell you what Dirty Dan didagain
She lives all alone with her budgie and cat
And we call her the Cucumber Kidagain

Will Hames, November 2008

Inertia

Tomorrow I’ll stop shirking and get down to steady working
It’s a nice idea of course, and yet I doubt it
My domestic life is just about to crumble into dust
But I can’t be arsed to do a thing about it

Looking round me in despair, I’m convinced this isn’t fair
And it’s nothing like the life I’d been expecting
It’s a terrible debacle, ‘cos for every job I’d tackle
There’s a hundred other things I’d be neglecting

I’m surrounded by a host of things I ought to treasure most
They require an awful lot of TLC
I can feel my spirits sinking as I sit here, sadly thinking
Shouldn’t someone else be doing this, not me?

Shouldn’t someone sympathetic, organised and energetic
Come and boldly take the line of most resistance?
I’m a poet and a thinker, born to dream and not to tinker
With the nuts and bolts of everyday existence

Yes, it leaves a nasty taste, it’s a dreadful, shocking waste
Of the talent that’s been given me by God
Am I right to feel a grudge at this unrelenting drudgery
Or am I just a lazy little sod?

Will Hames, November 2008

THE ELEPHANT

It started with the elephant, as things so often do
He’d called around to see if we could spare an egg or two
Because of course, your elephant, as everybody knows
Will never go out shopping ‘til he’s painted all his toes

And polished up the ivory, and waxed his hairy legs
But anyway, we didn’t mind, ‘cos we had lots of eggs
So off he went, back down the path and through our garden gate
With two nice free-range mediums upon a paper plate

But when he reached the pavement, well, I’m very sad to say
An aardvark on a skateboard snatched his eggs and rode away.
Now please don’t think me prejudiced, I’ve quite an open mind
But aardvarks are, it must be said, all crimin’lly inclined

So shouting, “Stop that aardvark!” we gave chase, the way you do
Determined that he shouldn’t reach the safety of the zoo
We chased him through the market place and down a twisty lane
Then half way into Mothercare and half way out again

We lunged at him in unison, which never helps a bit
As anyone who’s tried to catch an aardvark will admit
A wheel came off his skateboard, so he picked it up and ran
Creating fear and petulance as only aardvarks can

But when he threw the board aside to make his burden lighter
And bolted into Morrisons, I knew we had the blighter
‘Cos now that it’s not Safeway and they’ve changed it all inside
There’s only one way out of there, and nowhere you can hide

So, moving surreptitiously to take him unawares
We cornered him between the Pringles and the prickly pears.
Well, after it was over and we’d got our breath and legs back
The elephant was overcome, so glad to have his eggs back

He took a piece of paper as he shed a grateful tear
He wiped his eyes and blew his trunk, and then he said, “Oh dear!
There’s writing on this paper. I can just make out a title.
Your name’s there in the corner. Was it something really vital?”

Indeed it was, and this is what my story’s all about
He’d turned my homework into mush. I’m hoping you won’t shout.
The ink had run incurably, no way could I retrieve it,
And that’s what really happened, Teacher.
Surely you’ll believe it?


Will Hames, November 2008

FESTIVE PARANOIA

I wish to make a serious complaint
And don’t think I’m a loony, ‘cos I ain’t
You’ll have to hear me out, because
I’m getting sick of Santa Claus
He’s acting really strangely, for a saint

Now here’s the thing that drives me round the bend
Whilst shopping in the wonderful West End
I walk in any major store
And Santa’s got there just before…
He’s stalking me, the swine! This has to end!

The blighter’s with me everywhere I go
And now I dread the sound of “Ho Ho Ho!”
He accosted me in Hennes
With a bucket full of pennies
And a shaker full of artificial snow!

He always has a different disguise;
His height, his voice, the colour of his eyes
But that beard of snowy grey
Is a proper give-away
And the suit! He isn’t hard to recognise

Now I won’t have Santa laughing up his sleeve
A restraining order’s due, I do believe
You can tell that awful rotter
That he’s absolutely gotta
Keep away from me, (at least ‘til Christmas Eve)

Will Hames, November 2008