The Compliment

Me wife looks in the mirror and she shakes her head and sighs
"Me boobs are on me belly and me belly's on me thighs
Me hair's all dry and stringy, I've got wrinkles round me mouth
Me face is red and blotchy and me jawline's drifted south!
Hey, cheer me up! Say something nice, the way a husband should!"
I says, "Well love, it goes to show, your eyesight's pretty good!"

Bird Men

Three women at a bus stop were discussing life, and then
As frequently occurs, the conversation turned to men
"My husband's like a swan," said one, "so elegant and calm
And I feel like a duchess when we're walking arm in arm."
"Well, mine's more like a robin,"said the second lady there
"He's always bright and chirpy, like he doesn't have a care."
"They sound quite nice," said number three, "I can't compete with that
'Cause my old man's just like a thrush:  an irritating prat!"