Chavs on a Bus

(based on an actual overheard conversation)

So she was like "Hey, haven't seen you in ages!"
And I was like "No, how've you been?"
And she was like "Yeah, up and down, mustn't grumble"
And I was like "Know what you mean"

So Kelly comes up and she sees us both talking
Me and this obvious wino
And after we're finished, she's like "Who was that then?"
And I'm like "I'm buggered if I know"

So she was like "Come on, you must know the woman
The way you was grilling each other!"
And I was like "Honest, the face rang a bell
But I can't quite... oh shit, she's my mother!"

Well, Kelly's like "Blimey, you're losing your marbles
You don't even know your own Mum?"
And I was like "Well, the moustache put me off
And the way she kept touching my bum!"

So Kelly, well Kelly, you know what she's like
She goes "You're a case and a half...
A Dad who's a drag queen, a Mum who's a dyke...
You've gotta be havin' a laugh!"

I'm like "Are you dissin' my fam'ly, you cow?
'Cos if so, you'd better start prayin'"
So she's like "No, no! I'm just wondering how
You grew up so well, that's all I'm sayin'!"

That's Kelly all over, talk first and think later
She's always been funny that way
And I was like "Kelly, your bloody great gob's
Gonna get you in trouble one day!"

So anyway, this is my stop. Nice to see you
Say Hi if you bump into Ben
I'm off down the council to get a new key
And my bog's overflowin' again

Will Hames
July 2010