Precious Stones

I made a pile of gems for every nation

Each stone was perfect truth, beyond compare

And then I sent each race an invitation

It said, “Please come along and take your share.”

They asked me how to keep them clean and shining

And carry them back home, not let one fall

I told them, “Weave some bags of your designing...

The form and colour matter not at all.”

I thought they'd put aside their guns and sabres

To meditate on each and every gem

And then decide to visit all their neighbours

To see the precious things I'd shared with them

They should have found it marvellous and moving

To have these clues to understanding me

But no, they quickly set their minds to proving

How absolutely stupid they could be

Instead of joining in the joy and wonder

Of all the truth and wisdom they could win

They treat each other's gems as pointless plunder

And fight about the bags they put them in

The Compliment

Me wife looks in the mirror and she shakes her head and sighs
"Me boobs are on me belly and me belly's on me thighs
Me hair's all dry and stringy, I've got wrinkles round me mouth
Me face is red and blotchy and me jawline's drifted south!
Hey, cheer me up! Say something nice, the way a husband should!"
I says, "Well love, it goes to show, your eyesight's pretty good!"

Bird Men

Three women at a bus stop were discussing life, and then
As frequently occurs, the conversation turned to men
"My husband's like a swan," said one, "so elegant and calm
And I feel like a duchess when we're walking arm in arm."
"Well, mine's more like a robin,"said the second lady there
"He's always bright and chirpy, like he doesn't have a care."
"They sound quite nice," said number three, "I can't compete with that
'Cause my old man's just like a thrush:  an irritating prat!"

ENLIGHTENMENT

Once, burdened by my mental situation

And feeling on the brink of going barmy

I thought I’d try my hand at meditation

As advertised by Guru Veeraswami

And so I went to see him, as directed

I found him on a blanket, on the floor

The man was everything that I’d expected

A loincloth and a smile were all he wore

He sat serenely, picking his verrucas

He spoke to me, his body gently swaying

And noisily recycling his mucus

As if to emphasise what he was saying

He said to me, “Your psyche is chaotic

With worries and irrational obsessions

You really need to be far less neurotic

And free from your attachment to possessions”

He told me he’d be glad to lead me into

A cure for all the follies of my youth

He asked me for my cash card and my PIN too

To prove I was a seeker after truth

He told me “Just relax and don’t be frightened

Your mind will wander every now and then

But pretty soon, you’ll notice you’re enlightened

And life will never be the same again.”

“Ignore your thoughts, wherever they are from, son

Imagine someone else is going through it

Breathe slowly in and out, while chanting “Om”, son

I’ll pop out for a bit and leave you to it”

Well, hours later, I was getting worried

My body stiff, in places rather sore

When suddenly, with footsteps quick and hurried

A man I didn’t know came through the door

He saw me there and seemed to be quite flustered

He stood as if uncertain what to do

And then he walked across to me and blustered

“I’m Guru Veeraswami. Who are you?”

My bank account’s been mercilessly plundered

And though I’m not the cleverest of men

I’ve learned a lot, and just in case you wondered

I’m never gonna fall for that again.

DAD

I must admit, you used to drive me crazy

We had our own ideas of right and wrong

But when the line between the two was hazy

And I was just as weak as you were strong

For me, there wasn’t anyone above you

You stayed there through the bad times and the good

I’m really glad I got to say “I love you”

And didn’t simply leave it understood

You took my side, whatever anyone said

And though you weren’t the easiest of men

I wish that we could share another sunset

And you could drive me crazy once again

20.11.2013

Bollocking Time

(Tune: Mull of Kintyre)

Bollocking time, I’m pissed rolling in from

The pub at half nine

My dinner’s gone cold and it’s

Bollocking time

Frost in my face as I walk through the door

What can I say that you’ve not heard before?

Surely you know that it isn’t a crime

I’ve had one little drink and it’s bollocking time

Give me a moment and let me explain

Just as I passed there it started to rain

You’re not convinced and it looks as if I’m

In the doghouse again and it’s bollocking time

Don’t waste my food, that’s a terrible sin

Scraping my dinner right into the bin

Kindly stop shouting, the kids will think I’m

Not the boss around here if it’s bollocking time

You’ve had your say and I wish you’d desist

Taking advantage of me when I’m pissed

Show some respect for a man in his prime

‘Cause it just isn’t fair that it’s bollocking time

I’ve said I’m sorry, that’s all I can do

Why can’t you see it from my point of view

Have some tequila, or vodka and lime

And you’ll see there’s no reason for bollocking time

COUSIN BRUCE

My cousin’s been staying with me for a week

It’s driving me mad, I must say

The things that he does make me holler and shriek

I hope that the bugger won’t stay

‘Cause when he’s been out with his mates for a drink

He lets himself down, a lot more than you’d think

Like combing his pubic lice into the sink

And forgetting to rinse them away

Oh cousin Bruce, why the hell did you come?

Go back to Oz; you’re a pain in the bum

He’s loud and he’s crass and incredibly rude

Whenever my friends come to call

He eats like a pig, with his mouth full of food

He’s grateful for nothing at all

It seems he’s addicted to prawn vindaloo

It’s fatal to follow him into the loo

But hey, he’s my cousin, so what can I do?

I’m banging my head on the wall

Oh cousin Bruce, why the hell did you come?

Go back to Oz; you’re a pain in the bum

And boy, is he boring! He never shuts up

He farts and he’s drunk all my tea

His favourite film is Two Girls and One Cup

That’s something you don’t want to see

I’ve had it to here, I can’t take any more

I wish I could kick his arse out of the door

And tell him “Get lost or I’m calling the law

Go home and forget about me”

Oh cousin Bruce, why the hell did you come?

Go back to Oz; you’re a pain in the bum

The Dogging Song

I could write some silly rhyme

As a way to pass the time

But it wouldn’t help me chase away the blues

I don’t drink and I don’t smoke

And I don’t understand Sudoku

And I’m running out of themes for self-abuse

So on Friday night I’ll end my week of slogging

With a pleasant way of pushing back the boundaries of shame

‘Cause I do enjoy a little bit of dogging

It’s a highly social network where nobody knows your name

On a dark and steamy night

It’s a most inspiring sight

Watching bodies slowly writhing on the ground

And the dropping of the drawers

Leads to thunderous applause

With the noise of one hand clapping all around

Yes, I do enjoy a little bit of dogging

Down a country lane at midnight, in a car or on a porch

As I give myself a very gentle flogging

With my right hand on the business and the other on the torch

If you have some time to kill

It’s a special kind of thrill

Seeing other people get their ends away

And you never notice faces

‘Cause you’re looking other places

So you wouldn’t recognise them in the day

Now please do believe me when I tell you that it

Is a harmless entertainment with no reason for regrets

But I hope my girlfriend doesn’t catch me at it

‘Cause she thinks I’ve only gone to buy some late-night cigarettes

Yes, I do enjoy a little bit of dogging

Down a country lane at midnight, in a car or on a porch

As I give myself a very gentle flogging

With my right hand on the business and the other on the torch

GRANNY’S OAK

They’ve cut down the oak tree in Granny’s back garden

The one with the humorous bulge

They carried it off without begging her pardon

For reasons they wouldn’t divulge

And even though Granny was fond of that tree

She grudgingly had to admit

Her view was improved to a startling degree

And it brightened the place quite a bit

What’s more, as our Granny’s so strictly devout

Once the woodsmen had finished their labours

She hurriedly fished her binoculars out

And proceeded to spy on her neighbours

At first they all looked quite a virtuous lot

Conventional, boring and clean

But finally, Granny found one who was not,

The fellow at Number Fourteen

Yes, now she could see what old Sammy Divine did…

Behaviour that you’d throw the book at

She told me, “I’ve always been pretty broad minded

But some things, you don’t want to look at!”

Apparently, Sam had been at it for years

With nobody any the wiser

He kept re-enacting the “Three Musketeers”

With a goat and a bottle of Tizer

The things he got up to whilst perched on a shelf

Were so shocking, she had to look twice

It seemed that the goat was enjoying itself

And that wasn’t terribly nice

When Animal Welfare appeared in the yard

Of Sam and his bearded companion

They found him disguised as the Marquis de Sade

And the goat was dressed up as d’Artagnan

But now that’s all over, there’s nothing to see

She’s found curiosity can die

She’s dug up the stump of that trusty oak tree

And planted a great big Leylandii

Will Hames

Bang It on the Wall

“Bang it on the wall,” she said

“The neighbours won’t object

I know it doesn’t bother them

I went around and checked

I’ve asked the folk at ninety eight

And those at ninety four

Say if the banging doesn’t help

Then slam it in the door”

It’s getting rather crusty now

A nasty shade of grey

And there’s a crack right up the back

I’m very sad to say

I’ve done my best to straighten it

I’ve brushed the fuzzy parts

And sprayed it with deodorant

To neutralise the farts

She thinks I ought to throw it out

I’ve often heard her say

The dustman wanted fifty quid

To take the thing away

I’d like to turn it into cash

I thought perhaps I’d try it

I took it to the auction rooms

But no one dared to buy it

The Council’s special helpline

Were no help at all because

They put the phone down on me

When I told them what it was

It looks as if we’re stuck with it

There’s no one else to call

So bear with me a moment

While I bang it on the wall.

Norwegian Blue

with apologies to Monty Python

This parrot is no more, my man

What you just sold to me

You try to wake him, if you can

For he has ceased to be

There’s no point getting loud and rough

He’s quit this world of toil

He’s had enough, and now he’s shuff…

…led off this mortal coil

He’s joined the choir invisible,

He’s took his final walk

And your assertion’s risible

That he’s just tired and shagged out after a particularly long squawk

You nailed him to the perch, you fraud

D’you take me for a prat?

He isn’t pining for the fjords

What kind of talk is that?

In this here parrot’s book of life

He’s wrote his final chapter

His metabolic processes

Are not a current factor

I now insist on recompense

Yes, that’s what I’m demanding

This parrot’s stuffed, in every sense

His plumage notwithstanding

If I don’t get a pet what squawks

I’ll take it out on you

You’ve got a slug? It sings? It talks?

Well, that’ll have to do

Nonconformist Army

I'm a member of the Nonconformist Army
An offshoot from the League of Awkward Gits
We're united in our rancour
We're obstructive and cantankerous
Our uniform is anything that fits

I'm a member of the Nonconformist Army
Our enemy's the System, don't you know
Any member's charged with treason
If he stoops to rhyme and reason
And neglects to find a wobbly he can throw

I'm a member of the Nonconformist Army
We march away from any passing trend
Oh, how numerous this band is
But what I don't understand is
Why I haven't got one single bloody friend.

Will Hames

Words of Wisdom

My son, look on this hair of grey
Observe how wise I am today
And hear these words I speak to you
They rhyme, they scan: they must be true

Throughout the ages, thoughtful men
Discovered mighty truths and then
To help instruct their fellow man
They made them rhyme, they made them scan

As generations come and go
What everybody needs to know
Is formed to stand the test of time
See how it scans! Just hear it rhyme!

Yet evil men with ill intent
Mislead us and misrepresent
The painful truth I have to tell
For bullshit rhymes and scans as well.

Seventy Thousand Flies

(a thoroughly disgusting song, to the tune of "Teddy Bears' Picnic")

I caught the clap off a toilet flap
It's eating my nose away
Upon my jaw is a big red sore
It's running on time today
And ev'ry kind of dreaded disease
From brewer's droop to phlegm on the knees
Is having quite a carnival in my bo...dy

Microbes and bacteria
Are playing ring-a-ring-a-roses in my interior
Blackheads wink from ev'ry pore
That isn't covered by two scabs or more
Tapeworms writhing merrily
And on my tongue a kind of fungus of murky grey
A swollen head of yellow and red is erupting on my bum
And I don't feel very well today

If you go down to the surgery
You're in for a big surprise
For in the corner is little me
And seventy thousand flies
And ev'ry kind of dreaded disease
From brewer's droop to phlegm on the knees
Is having quite a carnival in my bo...dy

Chavs on a Bus

(based on an actual overheard conversation)

So she was like "Hey, haven't seen you in ages!"
And I was like "No, how've you been?"
And she was like "Yeah, up and down, mustn't grumble"
And I was like "Know what you mean"

So Kelly comes up and she sees us both talking
Me and this obvious wino
And after we're finished, she's like "Who was that then?"
And I'm like "I'm buggered if I know"

So she was like "Come on, you must know the woman
The way you was grilling each other!"
And I was like "Honest, the face rang a bell
But I can't quite... oh shit, she's my mother!"

Well, Kelly's like "Blimey, you're losing your marbles
You don't even know your own Mum?"
And I was like "Well, the moustache put me off
And the way she kept touching my bum!"

So Kelly, well Kelly, you know what she's like
She goes "You're a case and a half...
A Dad who's a drag queen, a Mum who's a dyke...
You've gotta be havin' a laugh!"

I'm like "Are you dissin' my fam'ly, you cow?
'Cos if so, you'd better start prayin'"
So she's like "No, no! I'm just wondering how
You grew up so well, that's all I'm sayin'!"

That's Kelly all over, talk first and think later
She's always been funny that way
And I was like "Kelly, your bloody great gob's
Gonna get you in trouble one day!"

So anyway, this is my stop. Nice to see you
Say Hi if you bump into Ben
I'm off down the council to get a new key
And my bog's overflowin' again

Will Hames
July 2010

Mysteries

I like a bit of mystery, so please don't try to spoil it
'Cos there's magic in what's hard to understand
Like, there's a funny stain down in the bottom of my toilet
And it looks just like the face of Russell Brand
At least, it looks like somebody whose face is quite familiar
And how it got there's really quite a puzzle
Of course, it could be Jesus, 'cos they do look rather similar
But seeing where it is, I'd plump for Russell

Abundant are my sources of confused misinformation
Although I've been assured that I'm not dense
And many the phenomena defying explanation
And lots of things just don't make any sense
There's errors in the world today that ought to be corrected
The scale of them is almost past believing
John Lennon and John Kennedy have still not resurrected
And John McCririck's still alive and breathing

Thank God we don't know everything, there's more to be uncovered
So we really have no cause for foolish pride
Let's raise a glass to Nessie, may she never be discovered
May she teach her little Nesslets how to hide
There's circles in the crops, I hear, and God knows how they got there
There's Bigfoot, and the UFOs are soaring
And sometimes you can see things that are definitely not there
Without them, wouldn't life be bloody boring?

Elf N Safety

When I was a kid, shortly after the war
I learned how to fend for myself
Well, so did we all. Ah, but that was before
Some fool dreamed up Safety and Elf
The games that we'd play in each alley and road
Drive modern-day bureaucrats bonkers
You might get a fright if your marbles explode
Or choke if you swallow your conkers

We'd play on the bombsites all over the town
Collecting old bottles and tins
And somehow we knew not to jump up and down
On large metal objects with fins
We took awful chances as part of the game
Our go-karts would wobble and skid
Bad steering, no brakes, just four wheels on a frame
But we never lost one single kid

Now you can't eat a peanut without being warned
That it might contain traces of nut
And all of the dangers we merrily scorned
Have become a huge pain in the butt
You can legally buy a cook's knife at the store
But it's jail if you carry it home
The brain of officialdom seems barely more
Than an average-bright garden gnome

They tell you, "Wear rubber before getting frisky
And grease yourself up for the sun"
They've banned the cheese rolling, they say it's too risky
Well, isn't that part of the fun?
They've no sense of humour, you can't make them see
So don't even bother to try
And don't cock a snook at the powers that be...
You might poke yourself in the eye.

Will Hames
June 2010

SNIGGER

You're starting to annoy me
So I'd better make it clear
That crossing me's an absolutely
Terrible idea

Perhaps I should be distant
And impassive as Stone Henge
But no, I have my mind fixed
On a horrible revenge

I'll snigger through your letterbox
And ostracise your cat
And then harangue your topiary
I'm good at doing that

I'll tell the local paper
That I've never heard of you
When people ask me how you are
I'll say, "I'm sorry... who?"

I'll sneeze into your litter bins
And gesture at your lawn
You creep, I'll make you sorry
You were ever even born

I'll buy your favourite whisky
Then I'll tip it down the drain
And serve you right for daring
To suggest that I'm insane.

Will Hames
April 2010

Medical Advice

I've been to see the doctor
And he's told me what to do...
Take the tablets, use the cream
And keep away from you.

Will Hames
April 2010

The Man upon the Wire

The kids are so excited that they're jumping up and down
They're watching through the window as the circus comes to town
There's painted rides and super slides and animals galore
I hope it doesn't happen like it happened once before

Our Jimmy went to see it all a year or two ago
It dazzled him so much, he went to each and every show
He fell in love with "Esmeralda, Prophetess of Fire"
So Jimmy went away to be the Man upon the Wire

Our Jimmy joined the circus in the winking of an eye
He packed a little suitcase and he kissed us all goodbye
He said he had to do it, and we really mustn't grieve
Then off he went to frolic in the land of make-believe

He sent us all a card or letter every now and then
So no one ever doubted we'd be seeing him again
The little ones are proud of him, they're Jimmy's greatest fans
We're looking out for Jimmy now, among the caravans

Well...
It isn't quite as glamorous as how it ought to be
He's mucking out the elephants and brewing up the tea
But he's never looked so happy and he never seems to tire
I'm glad he didn't get to be the Man upon the Wire.

Will Hames
March 2010