The Dogging Song

I could write some silly rhyme

As a way to pass the time

But it wouldn’t help me chase away the blues

I don’t drink and I don’t smoke

And I don’t understand Sudoku

And I’m running out of themes for self-abuse

So on Friday night I’ll end my week of slogging

With a pleasant way of pushing back the boundaries of shame

‘Cause I do enjoy a little bit of dogging

It’s a highly social network where nobody knows your name

On a dark and steamy night

It’s a most inspiring sight

Watching bodies slowly writhing on the ground

And the dropping of the drawers

Leads to thunderous applause

With the noise of one hand clapping all around

Yes, I do enjoy a little bit of dogging

Down a country lane at midnight, in a car or on a porch

As I give myself a very gentle flogging

With my right hand on the business and the other on the torch

If you have some time to kill

It’s a special kind of thrill

Seeing other people get their ends away

And you never notice faces

‘Cause you’re looking other places

So you wouldn’t recognise them in the day

Now please do believe me when I tell you that it

Is a harmless entertainment with no reason for regrets

But I hope my girlfriend doesn’t catch me at it

‘Cause she thinks I’ve only gone to buy some late-night cigarettes

Yes, I do enjoy a little bit of dogging

Down a country lane at midnight, in a car or on a porch

As I give myself a very gentle flogging

With my right hand on the business and the other on the torch