GRANNY’S OAK

They’ve cut down the oak tree in Granny’s back garden

The one with the humorous bulge

They carried it off without begging her pardon

For reasons they wouldn’t divulge

And even though Granny was fond of that tree

She grudgingly had to admit

Her view was improved to a startling degree

And it brightened the place quite a bit

What’s more, as our Granny’s so strictly devout

Once the woodsmen had finished their labours

She hurriedly fished her binoculars out

And proceeded to spy on her neighbours

At first they all looked quite a virtuous lot

Conventional, boring and clean

But finally, Granny found one who was not,

The fellow at Number Fourteen

Yes, now she could see what old Sammy Divine did…

Behaviour that you’d throw the book at

She told me, “I’ve always been pretty broad minded

But some things, you don’t want to look at!”

Apparently, Sam had been at it for years

With nobody any the wiser

He kept re-enacting the “Three Musketeers”

With a goat and a bottle of Tizer

The things he got up to whilst perched on a shelf

Were so shocking, she had to look twice

It seemed that the goat was enjoying itself

And that wasn’t terribly nice

When Animal Welfare appeared in the yard

Of Sam and his bearded companion

They found him disguised as the Marquis de Sade

And the goat was dressed up as d’Artagnan

But now that’s all over, there’s nothing to see

She’s found curiosity can die

She’s dug up the stump of that trusty oak tree

And planted a great big Leylandii

Will Hames