Words of Wisdom

My son, look on this hair of grey
Observe how wise I am today
And hear these words I speak to you
They rhyme, they scan: they must be true

Throughout the ages, thoughtful men
Discovered mighty truths and then
To help instruct their fellow man
They made them rhyme, they made them scan

As generations come and go
What everybody needs to know
Is formed to stand the test of time
See how it scans! Just hear it rhyme!

Yet evil men with ill intent
Mislead us and misrepresent
The painful truth I have to tell
For bullshit rhymes and scans as well.

Seventy Thousand Flies

(a thoroughly disgusting song, to the tune of "Teddy Bears' Picnic")

I caught the clap off a toilet flap
It's eating my nose away
Upon my jaw is a big red sore
It's running on time today
And ev'ry kind of dreaded disease
From brewer's droop to phlegm on the knees
Is having quite a carnival in my bo...dy

Microbes and bacteria
Are playing ring-a-ring-a-roses in my interior
Blackheads wink from ev'ry pore
That isn't covered by two scabs or more
Tapeworms writhing merrily
And on my tongue a kind of fungus of murky grey
A swollen head of yellow and red is erupting on my bum
And I don't feel very well today

If you go down to the surgery
You're in for a big surprise
For in the corner is little me
And seventy thousand flies
And ev'ry kind of dreaded disease
From brewer's droop to phlegm on the knees
Is having quite a carnival in my bo...dy

Chavs on a Bus

(based on an actual overheard conversation)

So she was like "Hey, haven't seen you in ages!"
And I was like "No, how've you been?"
And she was like "Yeah, up and down, mustn't grumble"
And I was like "Know what you mean"

So Kelly comes up and she sees us both talking
Me and this obvious wino
And after we're finished, she's like "Who was that then?"
And I'm like "I'm buggered if I know"

So she was like "Come on, you must know the woman
The way you was grilling each other!"
And I was like "Honest, the face rang a bell
But I can't quite... oh shit, she's my mother!"

Well, Kelly's like "Blimey, you're losing your marbles
You don't even know your own Mum?"
And I was like "Well, the moustache put me off
And the way she kept touching my bum!"

So Kelly, well Kelly, you know what she's like
She goes "You're a case and a half...
A Dad who's a drag queen, a Mum who's a dyke...
You've gotta be havin' a laugh!"

I'm like "Are you dissin' my fam'ly, you cow?
'Cos if so, you'd better start prayin'"
So she's like "No, no! I'm just wondering how
You grew up so well, that's all I'm sayin'!"

That's Kelly all over, talk first and think later
She's always been funny that way
And I was like "Kelly, your bloody great gob's
Gonna get you in trouble one day!"

So anyway, this is my stop. Nice to see you
Say Hi if you bump into Ben
I'm off down the council to get a new key
And my bog's overflowin' again

Will Hames
July 2010

Mysteries

I like a bit of mystery, so please don't try to spoil it
'Cos there's magic in what's hard to understand
Like, there's a funny stain down in the bottom of my toilet
And it looks just like the face of Russell Brand
At least, it looks like somebody whose face is quite familiar
And how it got there's really quite a puzzle
Of course, it could be Jesus, 'cos they do look rather similar
But seeing where it is, I'd plump for Russell

Abundant are my sources of confused misinformation
Although I've been assured that I'm not dense
And many the phenomena defying explanation
And lots of things just don't make any sense
There's errors in the world today that ought to be corrected
The scale of them is almost past believing
John Lennon and John Kennedy have still not resurrected
And John McCririck's still alive and breathing

Thank God we don't know everything, there's more to be uncovered
So we really have no cause for foolish pride
Let's raise a glass to Nessie, may she never be discovered
May she teach her little Nesslets how to hide
There's circles in the crops, I hear, and God knows how they got there
There's Bigfoot, and the UFOs are soaring
And sometimes you can see things that are definitely not there
Without them, wouldn't life be bloody boring?

Elf N Safety

When I was a kid, shortly after the war
I learned how to fend for myself
Well, so did we all. Ah, but that was before
Some fool dreamed up Safety and Elf
The games that we'd play in each alley and road
Drive modern-day bureaucrats bonkers
You might get a fright if your marbles explode
Or choke if you swallow your conkers

We'd play on the bombsites all over the town
Collecting old bottles and tins
And somehow we knew not to jump up and down
On large metal objects with fins
We took awful chances as part of the game
Our go-karts would wobble and skid
Bad steering, no brakes, just four wheels on a frame
But we never lost one single kid

Now you can't eat a peanut without being warned
That it might contain traces of nut
And all of the dangers we merrily scorned
Have become a huge pain in the butt
You can legally buy a cook's knife at the store
But it's jail if you carry it home
The brain of officialdom seems barely more
Than an average-bright garden gnome

They tell you, "Wear rubber before getting frisky
And grease yourself up for the sun"
They've banned the cheese rolling, they say it's too risky
Well, isn't that part of the fun?
They've no sense of humour, you can't make them see
So don't even bother to try
And don't cock a snook at the powers that be...
You might poke yourself in the eye.

Will Hames
June 2010

SNIGGER

You're starting to annoy me
So I'd better make it clear
That crossing me's an absolutely
Terrible idea

Perhaps I should be distant
And impassive as Stone Henge
But no, I have my mind fixed
On a horrible revenge

I'll snigger through your letterbox
And ostracise your cat
And then harangue your topiary
I'm good at doing that

I'll tell the local paper
That I've never heard of you
When people ask me how you are
I'll say, "I'm sorry... who?"

I'll sneeze into your litter bins
And gesture at your lawn
You creep, I'll make you sorry
You were ever even born

I'll buy your favourite whisky
Then I'll tip it down the drain
And serve you right for daring
To suggest that I'm insane.

Will Hames
April 2010

Medical Advice

I've been to see the doctor
And he's told me what to do...
Take the tablets, use the cream
And keep away from you.

Will Hames
April 2010