The Song of Sally Silverstein

To say that Sally Silverstein was lacking in attraction
Severely underestimates the negative reaction
Of men who looked her way and clearly wished that they had not
A second glance was something Sorry Sally never got

But as she sat and meditated on her situation
The answer to her problem came, a blinding revelation
If Sally wanted loving, she was absolutely sure
She’d have to find a man who’d never seen a girl before

Now, fortunately, Sally knew exactly where to look
She even knew his name, because she’d seen him in a book
She’d stake her future happiness upon this firm conviction:
There really was a Tarzan, but his Jane was purely fiction

She took out all her money and she booked herself a plane
She bought a fur bikini, and a mac in case of rain
She fixed her hair with Superhold and superglued her denture
Then off she went to Africa, to find her great adventure

The road out from the airport was a mass of bikes and carts
The air as hot and sticky as a sauna full of farts
Then, climbing from a taxi cab whose doors were off their hinges
She found herself abandoned on the jungle’s outer fringes

To help her find a man who had no reason to expect her
She’d thoughtfully invested in a pheromone detector
So, twiddling the knobs and dials, and choking back her dread
She set it to “testosterone” and followed where it led

The noises from the undergrowth, they shook her to the core
A howl, a growl, a gibber and occasionally a roar
She feared they might attack her soon, but nothing ever did
For every creature, spotting Sally, ran away and hid

Then, deep inside the jungle, where the undergrowth grew thicker
She heard a certain sound that made her virgin heart beat quicker
She knew that it was Tarzan, you could hear the man for miles
Roaring through the treetops, like an elephant with piles

He landed right in front of her, and as their gazes locked
They both knew this was Destiny, and neither one was shocked
For Tarzan was a super hunk, a proper ladykiller
And Sally wasn’t bad at all, compared to a gorilla

He took her to his treehouse, where she quickly settled in
They had no need for language, just a gesture and a grin
Though Tarzan was quite messy, she was tidy for them both
He loved her beetleburgers and her fricassee of sloth

He’d come on home to Sally as the darkness fell about
And even though he’d always be completely tuckered out
From thwarting evil men with guns and swinging from lianas
She’d fiddle with his loincloth, while he dreamed about bananas

So that’s how Sally found her fate, her mate, her life’s direction
Although she knew that she was not alone in his affection
His second-favourite female had a red and blue behind
But that’s the sort of competition Sally didn’t mind

Will Hames, November 2008

One Phone Call

I never meant to be so late, last evening
I had in mind to be with you by six
But the stupid car broke down, near a bar just out of town
And I had to use their phone to get it fixed

Well, the man at the garage said he was sorry
His one and only tow-truck had a flat
He'd have me on my way, but there'd be a slight delay
And the phone went out of order after that

The batt'ry needed charging on my cellphone
So there's no way I could tell you what was wrong
And I couldn't stray too far from that lousy little bar
Until the freakin' tow-truck came along

I thought of you, alone there in the kitchen
I couldn't bear to let you down again
I was choking back a tear, when the barman sidled near
And offered me a drink to ease the pain

Then some fool put a record on the juke box
That song you had for walking down the aisle
Well, the tears came flooding back, so I had a double Jack
But it took another ten to make me smile

Well, the man came with the tow-truck 'round eleven
And pretty soon he had it all in hand
Seems the widgets were to near to the differential gear...
Nah, you'd have to be a guy to understand

'Course, there's no way I could drive in my condition
So I had a pot of coffee, strong and black
Then I took off like a demon, with the tyres and engine screamin'
'Cos I knew how glad you'd be when I got back

I took a little short-cut through the playground
It's naughty, but it's never known to fail
And I would have been all right, if I hadn't jumped a light
And the coppers hadn't thrown me into jail

They've got me in a cell, down at the station
Together with a fella name of Paul
He's big and blond and German, and he sings like Ethel Merman
So I'm sleeping with my back against the wall

I never meant for all of this to happen
My penitence is pitiful to see
I'll give up drinking beer if you'll get me out of here
And, oh yeah... Happy Anniversary

Will Hames, November 2008

Steve

I'll tell you a story you might not believe
But you may find it good for a laugh
The terrible tale of a fellow called Steve
Who was known as Don Juan-and-a-half

Now Steve, who arrived in the middle of winter
Was born in the house next to mine
I'd watched him grow up from a baby and into
A man, and I hated the swine

He looked at the world like he owned the damn' place
He swaggered where other men walked
He lived with a permanent smirk on his face
And he wobbled his head when he talked

He left only sadness wherever he'd been
He never took any precautions
He was vicious and greedy, obtuse and obscene
And as tight as a duck's nether portions

Well, if it's a fact that you are what you eat
It's no wonder he wasn't so pleasant
He lived on a diet of figs and raw meat
And Viagra and anti-depressant

But long was the list of the ladies he'd kissed
And the girlies who never forgot him
He said, "I'm going out with your sister tonight!"
I said, "Don't!" but he did, so I shot him

Will Hames, November 2008

Dynaman

"There's more to me than meets the eye," I used to say, and yet
Just lately that's not true, and what you see is what you get
It wasn't always like this, but since early yesterday
It seems I'm stuck with acting in a mildly-mannered way

I'd like to be the dashing super-hero that I am
But when I whirl around six times and say the word, "Shazzam!"
Instead of turning into Dynaman The Celebrated
I just feel rather silly and a wee bit nauseated

No longer can I chase the bad guys, giving 'em what-for
My puny alter ego just won't alter any more
I rip my shirt and glasses off, and you can watch me grow in...
..to a skinny little baldie man who can't see where he's goin'

Whatever wrongs there are to right, I simply shake my head
And mutter, "What a pity," as I go on back to bed
Perhaps I've used my powers up by flying round so fast
Or maybe it's my medication kicking in at last.

Will Hames, November 2008

Dolphins

Dolphins make bad poetry
Their verses fall down flat
For dolphins say, "i!i!i!i!"
And nothing rhymes with that

Will Hames, November 2008

The Limpet

The limpet has a good, firm seat
He'd make a super jockey
But having neither hands nor feet
He'd really suck at hockey

Will Hames, November 2008

Remembrance

“For those who gave their lives and fell…”
The words we’ve heard so many times before
We know them all too very well
“For those who gave their lives and fell in war”

But as we stand, heads bowed and hushed
How wrong it is to think they gave it all
Their lives were taken, they were pushed
Before they even had a chance to fall

Will Hames, November 11, 2008