Schnozz

Jimmy had a problem, it was one he couldn’t hide
It made him want to stay indoors and never go outside
For Jimmy wasn’t handsome, no, he could have been far cuter
Without the great distinction of a truly massive hooter

It ran in Jimmy’s family, as noses often do
His father’s was a whopper and his mother had one too
His schooldays had been dreadful, other kids were rarely kind
They teased him every day and he’d pretend he didn’t mind

He never had a girlfriend, never even had a date
But Jimmy had a dream that he was sure would change his fate
To help him live a normal life, the same as other guys
He’d have some plastic surgery and cut it down to size

It took him seven years to save the money for the op
He lived on bread and water, and he simply wouldn’t stop
Denying every comfort that his body might be urgin’
For Jimmy was determined to afford the finest surgeon

The day arrived, and it was time to take the bandage off
And looking in the mirror he was sure folk wouldn’t scoff
To see him now, so handsome he could hold his head up high
And confidently, boldly, look the world straight in the eye

He strode out from the clinic with a gleeful, jaunty air
He smiled at all the pretty girls, returning every stare
But as his satisfaction reached a level quite profound
A falling grand piano mashed him straight into the ground

He thundered through the Pearly Gates, demanding to see God
Who listened to his tale and said, “You know, it’s really odd
I’d planned all sorts of goodies that were lined up to surprise you
But now you’ve lost your great big schnozz, I didn’t recognise you!”

Will Hames, April 2009

House Husband

I'm sorry, we've run out of that tequila you adore
I anticipate a measure of complaint
Yes, if I'd gone out shopping, then there would have been some more
But I couldn't, so I didn't, so there ain't

You're looking for some underwear? It pains me to admit
I forgot to put the washing on the line
So I stuck it in the dryer and your panties now don't fit
I suppose you'll have to wear a pair of mine

You're going to a premiere! Ah yes, that's what you said
Well, wash your face and polish up your teeth
Then paint your toes and fingernails, I'm sure you'll knock 'em dead
In Versace, with old boxers underneath

I've read the kids a story and I've kissed them all goodnight,
Reassured them there's no bogeyman to fear
I've given them their cocoa and I've told them not to fight
But they're whining. Did I feed them? No! Oh dear

The bread's all dry and pitted and the lettuce limp and curled
The cheese is far too old to tempt a mouse
It's time that I admitted, with the best will in the world
I'm absolutely s*** at keeping house

Will Hames
April 2009

Little Metal Bottletops

I'm starting up a little metal bottletop collection
Collecting little metal bottletops
It's getting rather difficult to find a good selection
They never seem to have them in the shops

I've taken all the metal tops from off the bottled beer
But now the situation's getting drastic
In every little bottle shop from Timbuktu to here
The little bottletops are made of plastic

Which means I'll take a while to reach my goal, but even so
I'm really looking forward to the day
When I've enough to make a proper racket as I throw
My little metal bottletops away

Will Hames
April 2009